I believe in a peace that rules.

Goodness. 

It’s a bummer, sometimes.

To fall madly in love with a child who may be just fine if she had the medical care that i did when i grew up.

To wish a little child up to Jesus.

So she can be home, and at peace, and without pain.

It’s not natural.

It’s not what I’m used to.

To fully claim a child into the hands of her Creator because there is no doctor to turn to who can help.

It’s heart - wrenching.

It’s a bummer that you have to beg a doctor to fight for a little girls life because to them, it is of no importance.

It’s a bummer that a mom and dad will bring their two adorable children to our front door, wanting to drop them off.

They don’t want them.

That’s just what they had to say.

They want their other son...but these two....they weren’t good enough for them.

It’s just a wave of emotions.

And i’m learning so much.

How to see joy among pain.

And i’m learning to see hope among the seemingly hopeless.

I’m blown away more and more that at the end of the day, I have a living Hope.

And the Hope is alive.

And the Hope is radiant.

And the Hope is so real.

And the Hope i have can allow me to sing songs at the end of the day.

Sing songs with a full heart.

Yes, 

I hate the very idea of a little one who i love just longing to be home, at her real home, away from this pain...

and i hate the thought of a mama -- desperate to not loose her little girl.

And I hate the very idea that a family can come and just say please take my children because i don’t even want them.

And i hate the idea that a little boy had to die because his little body couldn’t take it after so much fighting.

These things aren’t warm and fuzzy.

They aren’t attractive.

And sometimes it’s all confusing and not fun to process.

But here’s what I’m blown away at.

That as much as i hate nasty things like this have to happen on earth,

I love the very thought of a little boy standing whole before her Father.

I love the thought that He loves these kids way more than i could ever imagine or understand.

I love the very thought that His ways are higher than mine.

I love knowing that as many things as there are going on in the world, He has the whole world in His hands. And He is carrying this little girl even now. And He knows the exact number of days He has for her.

And i love that there is a bigger plan beyond today.

So as much as i don’t understand, I’m serving someone who does understand. And who knows. And who has a plan.

And as much as I question.

And as much as I get lost in confusion.

And as much pain as there is.

And as much sickness as there is.

Praise the Lord, there is life beyond today.

And as much as my heart is aching and my mind is wandering.

It makes this fire in my heart bigger.

It grows this passion in my heart stronger and stronger with every hard moment.

I want people to know the Truth.

And to be free from the bondage of this world.

At the end of the day,

I’m here to bring Hope.

And me and my little self really has no hope to bring.

But I’m breathing daily in the Living Hope.

And oh how people need it, everywhere they are desperate for Truth.

It’s a lot.

And I’m learning a lot.

And being exposed to a lot.

Maybe even some stuff that i would have chosen to just do without.

But in it all.

My heart is bursting and shouting for people to know truth.

And to truly be whole.

Because i’m seeing how fleeting life is.

And how little it is about me.

And somehow, amidst all the tears and questions and fears and doubts, i am thankful.

Thankful for being exposed to the fleetingness and fragility of life.

But desperate to share the Good News with people.

So they too, can share in Hope.

A cute picture of sleep JoJo 

cute josh

And oh my word some WONDERFUL things happening here. 

The kids now have “Bieber Fever” thanks to Auntie Jess. (who may just be a closet Bieber fan herself) 

They also know how to dance to Party Rock (they do it so much better than me) and Party in the U.S.A. ( my personal favorite)

It’s the most adorable and fun and joyful thing. 

Noise (LOTS of it) and laughter ring throughout the room and almost drown out the music.

I love teaching and showing these kids to dance! It’s such a beautiful release for them and oh my word do their personalities come out. It’s honestly been the coolest blessing for me.

This is all a bit jumbled.

But as is my mind.

This was on my heart to write tonight though, so praying that it does some good for someone!

much love :)

Get excited.

Lots on my mind, so i thought i'd share a journal with you from the other night.



I never knew that so many stars existed in the sky at night until I came here.
It's beyond brilliant...there seems to be millions of huge stars squirting and blinking out so much light and sparkles that light up the whole entire sky.
They blink and twinkle so brilliantly that its almost as if they are talking to you -- or singing maybe.
Tonight, as i played temporary night guard (haha) I was at a literal loss for words -- completely captivated by the sheer beauty of it all.
It made me feel so. incredibly. small.
And gladly, so.

The stars.
A small but significant way of God revealing His brilliant mind to the world.

The past week, there has been a lot of sickness around here.
And with more sickness comes a bigger awareness of the total lack of medical care available here.
It's shocking -- I never truly realized how blessed I was to grow up with the doctor care that I did.
Please, next time you go to the doctors just be thankful for them. For real.

But under this brilliant piece of art work (aka. the sky).
With the stars in all of their gleaming glory, and with the huge moon smiling amidst it all.
I'm reminded.

I'm reminded that life is so much bigger than little me.
I'm reminded that..yes, God IS good.
Even in it all, He is good.
And that never ever changes.
And just like the stars in the sky, He is our light that is leading me into beautiful places.
And they are beautiful simply because He is there.

Allowing myself to submit to the beauty in the world, is choosing to acknowledge the artist and to love Him even more.

The Creator, He is everywhere.
He is in it all.
Even in the rolling hills and the brilliant fields.
He is in the dark evening sky and in every sunrise.
He is there -- whispering for us to see Him.

And under a star-filled night, I'm filled with excitment and laughter.

The Maker of this beautiful sky is leading my life?!
Oh, yes.

I'm reminded of how small I am tonight.
But filled with excitement about showing the world who is behind every sunrise and starry night.

"I see Your face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside your eyes."
Wow. wow. wow.
He is there.
And oh my goodness, is He good.

Check this out. It is pretty neat.

Much much much love :)

Pray for Selina!

So this is short and simple.
Please help me and pray for this sweet little girl we call "Leena Loo"
She is about seven years old and a oh so tough! She puts me to shame, i must say.
Emily (who is basically a rock star) is off to kenya with her tomorrow.
We are so happy, excited, and grateful that we found this American doctor in Kenya that can fix her all up. She has had a rough couple of days....so please keep her in your prayers.
Pray that the treatment and surgery would be successful and that healing would begin to happen.
And that Jesus would shine in this little girl's strength and in her story.
She is a fighter, that is for sure.
And we trust the Hands that she's in and has been in all along.
Much love to you ALL!

This is sleepy Selina napping after a long day of feeling super sick.

And thanks for praying :)  Goodness i love you guys.

August 30th, 2011..........

So the past week has been filled with a whole lot.
A lot of laughter.
A lot of playing.
A lot of running errands.
A lot of medicine.
A lot of bed time dances.
A lot of rice and beans. (favorite)
A lot of unknowns.
A lot of confusion.
A lot of medical emergencies and questions.
A lot of educating myself how to properly and safely help to deliver a baby. (yeah, prayers appreciated!!)
A lot of prayer.
A lot of answered prayer.
A lot of moments just standing in awe of Jesus and how He really does listen.
And a lot of emotions.

Today, as i was putting neosporin and a band-aid on a tiny (but quite traumatic in his little eyes) cut, something hit me.
That I was really living here, being a "mommy" for fifteen little kiddos.
Helping them when they fall down,
changing dressings and bandages on quite traumatic and oh so painful-looking wounds,
hugging them when they seemed sad,
teaching them how to speak English better,
teaching their ABC's and 123's,
loving them through their wounded hearts and painful pasts and as they are learning how to deal with it all,
letting them have their moments when emotions overtake them that they don't even understand or know how to share,
smiling to the ones, who in their world, a smile is the only thing they can really understand,
loving their little brains that are all so different...some call them disabled, and yeah they are, but i like to see them as brilliant in their own little ways.
They keep me wandering, that's for sure :)

So yeah, in a simple moment of applying a band-aid, it all kind of became surreal to me.
As much as i want to go scream so loud at a mom who doesn't want her child, about how much she is missing out on and about how seriously awesome her little boy is. As much as i want her to want him, and to want to make pizzas with him....well, she just doesn't.
And for right now, God graced me with the opportunity to share laughs and to cuddle and to make pizza's with this little man.
This was the plan on August 30th, 2011 that was laid out before the beginning of time.
And today was your August 30th, 2011 that was laid out before the beginning of time.
Time.
It's a concept that as much as i really really really try hard at, my mind can't fully fathom.
Each moment of every day was carved out perfectly before the very existence of little me crossed ANY human mind in the slightest bit.
See, that fills each day with purpose. That the Creator of the Universe. The One that holds the stars. The One that can calm a storm with His voice. The One that set me free and out of bondage. Yeah, that One.
He saw me important enough to plan out my days.
To plan out our days.
Humbling, huh? It is for me.
And so even on the bad days, even on the confusing days, even on the stinky days that we wish would have never happened, He's calling out for me...for you..to hold fast. To keep going. To keep smiling. To keep joy ever-present. To walk forward. To be bold.
Because as much as He holds today, He holds tomorrow all the same. and the next day and the next.
He not only holds tomorrow, but He makes tomorrow.

So tonight as we made pizzas in the kitchen filled with laughter and music and flour everywhere, I couldn't help but to think....
my little man probably didn't understand the darkness he once felt.
He was so alone and abandoned....by the very mom who was supposed to be loving him.
His world really was darkness and isolation.
But I can just imagine it, that on the nights when he was all alone....him and his five year old self....
something helped him sleep. Something helped him maintain joy in his heart.
I do believe that even though he may not have understood where the comfort he was feeling came from.....I know that Jesus covered him in love when he was bound in loneliness.
That He whispered to his heart to hold fast. To keep hope. To move forward.
And so he would continue another day...in isolation and loneliness...but he continued none-the-less.
And then hope came...Ekisa came to the rescue of him.
He held on for THIS moment.
This moment of rescue. Of help. Of redemption and restoration.
He held on for love.
He held on for pizza nights like tonight.
And i can't wait to see what else he held on for...what else God has in mind for his future.
He saved him to bring him towards something else....to bring him into Hope.
And this little man is a leader.
I can't wait to see where God's miracle of time takes him next.

Walter, I love you.
You are my hero.
You are my constant reminder to keep going.
and to keep hoping.
and to keep loving.
and to keep smiling.
and to keep dancing.
and to keep helping.
and to keep caring.
You are God's little gift to me today.
He had you in mind for my August 30, 2011.
And he had me in mind for yours.

Much Much love!!

OH, today some of my favorite people shared a quote with me. And oh man is it good and so true.
 "Wherever you are, be all there." -Jim Elliott.

so today......

So today, i could go into some deep thought, there's always a lot going on in my mind.
But instead, i want to share with you what my day looked like on a day like today.
No clinic visits.
No doctor appointments.
No errands to run.
Nowhere to be except with a fun group of kiddos and loving on them all day long.

The day started with well...CAFFEINE.
Due to my lack of sleep, caffeine is such a wonderful start to a morning...let me just say.
So after a morning of quiet, stretching, music, singing, attempted workouts, reading, writing, a cold shower, and lots of talking to Jesus about what was on my mind...i decided to LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
And oh did they ever... :)

It's a beautiful sunny day today.
The weather here is simply brilliant.
Not at all what i expected, but so brilliant none the less.
So under a big tree sat me and Zeke (or as i say zeekeeeey)...just clapping our hands and singing.
My failed attempts at picking up on the song he was singing in Lugandan made him giggle like a wild man. (and he has the best laugh i have possibly ever heard.)
So i continue on in my loud obnoxious noises, and we continue in obnoxious laughter and noise.
When it's brought to my attention by (not so discrete) Zak that he isn't really a fan of our singing, i go and join him in the yard.
And there he is in all of his wonder.....he is honestly the most FASCINATING kid i have ever met....making his noises and saying what he has to say with passion.
Having not the slightest idea what he is saying, he just starts to grin and then laugh.
He is playing hilarious games with the dogs.
It sort of looks like a Lord of the Rings scene and oh am i not even exagerating!
Then, Zak wants me to learn some of the games he plays by himself.
When i fail (again) to pick those up properly he starts to stand up.
I know exactly what this means....a game of chase!
And oh he loves to play chase....
Running around the yard forever and ever.....accomplished :)

Then i hear "Auntie, Auntie. Want it. Want it."
Yep, this is my little Rachel. She is always wanting me to stand her up and dance with her...and this is exactly what we did!
To the groovy music on the radio, we waltzed and waltzed around the yard...in all of our dancing glory.

The rest of the afternoon consisted of...
passion fruit snacks.
football playing.
practicing walking.
practicing talking.
tickling.
running.
laughing.
dancing.
coloring.
reading.
learning.
writing.
more laughing.
chasing.
crawling.
hide and seeking.
throw up cleaning,
sand box playing.
swinging.
singing.
and hand clapping.

Then lunch came.

So after some tired kiddos headed for nap,
and Auntie Jessica became an instant nurse for a sick sick little girl (i'm learning to be tougher at doctor stuff.)
It was time for a little bit of relaxing.
Rice and beans, a coke light, chocolate, and wonderful hang out conversation time with friends.
And a sweet mama here taught me how to make fresh squeezed passion fruit/orange juice.
I believe i will be making this daily now

When the kids woke up,
we had more coloring time
and reading story time.
And dancing time. (if you haven't gotten it yet, these kids LOVE to dance. and dance they will!)
They are still amused by my style of dance (or lack there of). haha
I thought I was good until I came here.....
We played some drums and put on some grass skirts.
We learned a little more about Jesus from our story book Bible.

We had some tantrums.
Had some timeouts.
And had just some times...
We had more laughs.
More interesting conversations...
And just lots of firsts!

After dinner and one last dance session.
Here i sit, with some hot African tea and cinnamon toast, pondering it all.
And completely humbled by my day graced with these kids' presence the whole time.

These kids show me resilience.
They show me strength.
They show me wisdom.
They show me joy.
They show me unquenchable love
and a thirst for learning more.
These kids, who were supposed to be loved, and held, and comforted when they were younger..... they had none of that.
Some of these little angels, have horrible pasts.
And here they are, just taking the day for what its worth.
Hugging every minute and asking every question that comes to their minds.
I'm serious, the resilience they show on a daily basis wrecks me.
And teaches me more and more.

So thanks Mweru, Walter, Jason, Zeke, Arafat, Debra, Rachel, Josh, Daniel, Amy, Jane, Selina, Zak, Tasha, and JoJo.
Thanks for spending the day with me, and refreshing my heart, showing me a little more what it means to really become like a child.
And to love out loud.
And the beauty that it brings to a life.

And thank you Jesus,
for lavishing Your character on these kiddos.
So that i can learn a little more about Your heart and who You are.

It is because of this day,
that I'm off to bed with a full heart and a smile on my face.
And it all goes back to the Creator of Love, Himself.
Beautiful.

Verse i'm loving today:

Psalm 63 : 2,3 The Message
"So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, 
      drinking in your strength and glory. 
   In your generous love I am really living at last! 
      My lips brim praises like fountains. 
   I bless you every time I take a breath; 
      My arms wave like banners of praise to you." 


Quote i'm loving today:
"When you can do the common things of life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." (George Washington Carver).
       Think about it, when you command the attention of the world by being different in even the common areas of life, where is that attention pointing too...


Song I'm loving today:

Much love :)
And oh do i mean that!

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair......

There is beauty made from among ashes.

There are beautiful wild flowers that come from weeds.

There are sun rises after the dark.

There are rainbows after the storm.

There are butterflies after caterpillars.

Small but significant reminders that yeah,

there is Hope.

 As they make music they will sing,
"All my fountains are in you."

Psalm 87:7

Hard stuff...

So i'll be sparing details for the sake of very precious but extremely vulnerable children.
But today, I got mad.
Yeah ignorance is bliss.
It's true,
its so much easier to be ignorant, and visiting this place today....my heart wanted to bundle up in ignorance again, pretending i never saw what I did.
Pretending I didn't have to hear what I did.
I'm pretty darn tough,
but today broke me.
I've never had the thought, "Jesus, please take these kids lives right now because they will be better off with you. Please don't make them live another second like this."
But i did...many times that thought flooded my mind. It's hard to explain, and i just want to give you a glimpse.
To tell you of what i was wrecked of today...the world is SO much bigger than what is around you every day.
No matter how much we try to deny it, it's the truth.
And ugh today...well, I lost it.
Trying to remind myself to see through the eyes of God..not from my human fallible eyes.
"See the good, Jessica.
Don't focus on the ugly.
Look for good."
But I really struggled, to be honest.

So tonight I'm approaching the Throne of Grace, desperate for more.
And seeking what I can do to even shed some light on what was brought into my day today.

Got to end my night with some pretty wonderful tickles and laughs, though.
oh so fabulous it was!
And today, we got to bring a little girl home to her daddy.
Redemption...it's happening.
And even in the midst of dark, may we never miss it.
The good.
It's always there!

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, Oh Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought JOY to my soul.
Psalm 94:18,19.

Today I met joy.
Children with no "logical" reason for it all...
children with every right to be angry and bitter.
Nope, there it was again....smiles...JOY...
Joy is something so powerful!
So tonight, amidst hurt, praise the Lord I'm covered in Joy!

Singing and dancing extra loudly tonight because of this joy, too.
The joy that moves my feet in the dark nights and the brightest days.
Oh sweet Joy, keep moving my feet to dance wildly in the grace offered to me every. single. moment.

Beautiful song.