Celebrating the life of my mom, who saved my own life.

She was there, in her room. And there it was again -- the darkness.

Tangible darkness. Hovering over her like a close friend.

She was a little girl. Wild, resilient, and free-spirited. 

Her curly hair in a tangled mess wherever she went, but insecurities of no kind overtook her.

Confident. Strong-willed. And stubborn.

And then at night, this girl started being overtaken by dreams -- nightmares.

Nightmares that seemed more like real life. Nightmares of witches haunting her, hurting her family.

And then when she woke up from her nightmares --franticked and confused -- the nightmares were still there, alive in her room.

Shapes of darkness hovering over her. 

Paralyzing her with fear.

She felt it -- the heaviness on her chest. 

Her inability to breathe was ever present and there this little girl laid, frozen in fear.

Encompassed by evil.

Demons, choosing to hover over her. 

The nights were sleepless.

The days were filled with exhaustion and confusion.

Why wasn’t the world beautiful anymore?

She had such a beautiful life, days filled with laughter,

but what was this going on? Why was no one else seeing this?

Why? So much fear. So much confusion. So much darkness. 

And she was so little.

But those little innocent eyes were now opened to the spiritual realm.

And the darkness was fighting over her, fighting for her.

The darkness desired this little soul.

But little did she know at that time, there was a force in this spiritual realm that her eyes were opened to that desired her all the more. THE very Force -- the Creator and Rescuer of our souls. 

This little girl was me. 

And my little soul was opened up to darkness really early on in life.

Seeing what many people don’t even acknowledge in their long years of life.

That there is a battle for our souls happening. 

After I let my parents know about what was going on, they consulted some very key people in my life who helped them pray hard over my life.

And one day, while I was at school, my mom anointed and prayed over my room the whole day.

The whole day I was being prayed over by my mom and I had no idea.

That night, the darkness continued no more. I was freed. Prayer broke the bondage over my soul and Jesus took over -- allowing them to hover me no more.

I didn’t know that she had spent that whole day in prayer until years later.

Years and years after that, I’ve wondered what all of that was for.

What the purpose was of me being exposed to such evil at that young age. 

It’s still so vivid in my mind. It’s so clear to me how REAL evil is.

And as I get older, I see it more and more. Why it all happened to me. 

Why my life has gone the way it has.

Why my soul was so important to the very Creator of it. 

Why did He save me from it?

Now, just to be clear, since I stopped having hard spiritual warfare battles when I was little , my life hasn’t been all happy and free.

I’ve struggled a lot. 

I went through a lot of darkness as I got older, too.

Heavy things.

But i could always hold on to hope.

Because I knew that for some reason, I was rescued.

Jesus chose to spare me. Little messed up me.

I knew that there was a purpose.

And so here I am today.

With a total sense of freedom.

Absolute. FREEDOM.

And yet, I know that its not just meant for me. 

Freedom is meant for us all.

After-all, it is for “Freedom that Christ has set us free.” Galatians 5:1

And I’m grateful, grateful to know what freedom feels like. Physically feels like. 

And I know that I cannot ignore what I know. What I have experienced.

My eyes have seen things, and now I am held responsible to act on what I have seen.

Desiring freedom for people.

Desiring joy for people.

Desiring people (ALL people) to see that they are literal works of art.

Created for purpose.

Created. For. A. Reason.

For its when that truth encompasses our heart -- that freedom is allowed to overtake us.

And my oh my how awesome it is to be able to dance in freedom daily, regardless of circumstances.

Regardless of how things appear.

Because in freedom, we acknowledge there is ALWAYS hope.

And ALWAYS joy. 

Joy is seeing Gods goodness. Always. 

The reason that I am writing all of this -- why its so on my heart.

Is because that little girl, had a mom.

A mom who prayed. 

A mom who cared enough to get on her knees for the sake of her daughter.

A mom who was able to see a bigger picture happening.

A mom who has loved that little girl all the days of her life, so far, -- unconditionally. 

Today is my moms birthday.

And I want to tell her every wonderful thing about her and help her have a day to just celebrate herself!

But I also just want her to know how grateful I am -- like deeply grateful for her.

Yes, she is the most wonderful mom.

A mom who ALWAYS had the best dinners at home.

Who always packed the best snacks.

The mom who snuggled every morning.

The mom who danced with you.

The mom who knows

The mom that everyone was drawn too.

Everyone has always loved their Ms. Julie.

But my mom, saw the bigger picture of being a mom.

She fought, very hard for her children. 

She prayed, all day over me.

Because she knew that I was the Lords in the first place.

So today, I’m celebrating my mom. And all she means to me. 

I love her so so dearly and I’m thankful to have her in my life, as my friend.

There is NONE like her.

And today, I’m thankful. 

Thankful for each and everyday of her life. 

Thankful for her nutty crazy self.

Thankful for her hippie-soul, which has carried onto me.

Thankful for her heart.

Thankful for her spunk.

Thankful for every prayer she has spoken on my behalf.

And thankful for each and every day of life that she has given me.

I love you mom!

You are beautiful in every aspect of the word. 

Happy birthday! :)

Eyes Wide Open...

                                                                          With eyes wide open. (a journal of mine)

Eyes wide open is exactly how God intended for us to live our lives. 

But so often we awake, with eyes shut. Or sometimes when they are open, we are just searching for the first opportunity to shut them. 

And most of the time, we don’t even realize how shut our eyes really are.

It’s easy. And sometimes, it makes sense to drift away into routine. And praising Jesus for the awesome truths in His word and how they make us feel happy and secure and safe.

And then we can stop there.

With a good feeling on the inside.

Continuing on in our days. 

And then when we need comfort we run run run to the Bible.

Looking for that one verse that will remind us that He does have our best interest in mind! 

And while that is true, He truly does.

We stop there, with a good feeling on the inside.

And then our days amount to a self-indulged, civilized faith.

One that slowly pulls us into this mindset that God is some type of sedative to keep us calm and under control by dulling our senses.

One that gives us comfort in morality and legalism. 

One that relates to right and wrong as moral obligation.

One that gets us through the day and just onto the next.

Instead of knowing that we are no longer prisoners of space and times -- that we are citizens of the Kingdom of God! Like, what?!

And we must know that God is not a sedative. He does not desire for us to be dulled to reality in a false sense of security. In fact, He desires quite the opposite. 

He awakens our spirit to be truly alive. 

Instead of seeing right and wrong as a moral obligation, we are called to love good and hate evil. To be passionate about the very things that are on the heart of God. We are called to be moved from the inside -out. 

Not motivated by a moral obligation. No, its not that at all.

Ezekiel 36:26-28

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And i will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And i will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that i gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I shall be your God.”

See, 

In reality, we aren’t supposed to just get through the day. His Spirit in us -- we wake to live and live fully alive -- with our eyes wide open. 

Because somehow its easy to be caught under being civilized and forget about the power that is there. The very power of God.

And this power motivates us to love and to move. 

And sometimes, this power can cause us to just be still.

To simply take the next step under the knowledge of what life is all about. 

And to carry on under freedom. 

Freedom freedom freedom. 

We are NO LONGER OPPRESSED. 

And as long as we choose to move through life under an oppressive set of rules -- legalism -- we are not truly living free.

And when we are set free, we are moved to get closer to the heart of life -- to the heart of the very Creator.

You cannot meet the Creator of the universe and remain the same.

Sometimes, the change is slow. There is no “manual” for how this goes...no one prayer that changes everything.

But its just true, that we will just not remain the same.

It’s not possible.

Matthew 22:29 

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the scriptures or the power of God.”

Ha, i know this is directed towards me most of the time.

So I’m learning to read and to dig into and to know the scriptures. 

And i’m being awakened to the true power of God.

God is not just what you are told in school.

God is not just what you are told in church.

God is not a “subject” to be taught.

God is not found under a list of rights and wrongs. 

God is alive.

Moving about in this world. 

Everywhere. 

He. just. is.

Yearning for us to know Him -- to really know Him. 

And to carry on in life with eyes wide open. 

Because He has so much for us to see -- when we are truly looking.

SOOOOOO a lot of crazy stuff has been going on here in good ole Uganda. Things that I can’t publicly share at this time. But i do ask you to pray. Pray for this country and for the people placed in charge to govern it. Corruption is very clear here and I’ve never been a part of it like this, firsthand.

It’s all new to me. It’s scary. And it’s a lot. 

People’s lives at stake.

A lot at stake.

And boy I’m seeing the truth of the statement “Ignorance is bliss” 

I came here to work adoptions and plans have certainly changed! A lot has happened, and I’m thankful that I got to be here at such a time to serve. Serve in a way that I wasn’t really planning on -- but hey I’m learning that with eyes wide open, plans ALWAYS can change.

And that I am not in control.

Amidst the craziness, last sunday we had the most beautiful Easter. 

It started with a STUNNING sunrise and the birds seemed to be singing extra loud on that day, seriously. 

And then after a beautiful church service outside under the trees, we headed home for a pizza party.

And 18 kids, all of the staff got to sit on the front porch together.

Eating Pizza.

And it was beautiful. Because at that moments, no barriers existed. Our minds were clear and free to embrace the truths of the day.

And there we sat, just like one big family eating pizza together! 

We laughed, sang, and ate....a lot.

And everyone was just at peace. 

These kids weren’t concerned about their futures. About any sort of timeline for their life.

They were just concerned about what was in front of them -- pizza and everyone they love the most.

And so I took after them, and just sat and embraced everything that was in front of me. 

The kids that my very heart beats for.

The most wonderful friendships I have had the chance of making.

And a beautiful cool day, reminding me of the reason that we are all alive and able to live in freedom, after-all.

Because our God is alive.

Sometimes when you work in things like “orphan-care” or whatever you want to call it, its easy to forget to be still. To remember the reason why you are even working in the first place! 

It’s so easy to get caught up in the tasks of the day and forget about the reason all of these tasks are happening.

The reason that I’m on the other side of the world, anyways.

So what a perfect day to be still, and remember.

And to re-focus.

And to just be soaked in thankfulness -- gratitude apart from any results or situations.

Gratitude for however life plays out.

And that regardless of where God chooses to take me next, this Easter sunday was perfect. 

And this season in my life is perfect.

So i’m learning to continue on with my eyes just open.

Open and available to what’s next. 

And in whatever is next, I will dance on.

And laugh on.

Because at the end of the day, at the end of the hard, life still is about JOY.

And my word it is such a good thing.

“We look to Him to lead us where HE needs us most and where we ( in our own unique selves) can accomplish the most good.”

Much love :)

A year ago.

A year ago.

A year ago today, I was just accepted into the volunteer program at Ekisa, completely naive about everything having to do with Africa.

A year ago today, I was anticipating graduation.

Struggling with having too high of an ego about being ready for the world and being completely grown up... ready to move on with life away from all that I’ve ever known.

Because in my mind at the moment, I was completely grown up.

I did have it all together.

And i was ready to take on the world.

Ready to show the world what I was made of.

A year ago today, I was discovering a new season of my life.

I was changing and things and people in my life were changing as well.

A year ago today, I was about to graduation with a great reputation.

A year ago today, I still got in my uniform each morning and walked into a school that was familiar to me. That i had grown to love. And that had changed me for the better.

But still, I was completely unaware of how greatly that place would affect me and change my heart forever.

And today, I can sit back and marvel at it all -- this past year. 

When i was journaling this morning, I almost lost my breath as I looked at the date I had just written out.

April 4th, 2012

It’s just bizarre to me, everything that has happened since then. 

In a years time, I’ve gone from naive high schooler to adoption coordinator in Uganda, Africa.

In a years time, I’ve had to experience and deal with death, even the death of sweet children that I had loved.

In a years time, I’ve learned (and am still learning more and more) what freedom looks like. And how stunning freedom is when we really grasp it.

In a years time I’ve seen things that I never would have thought I’d have to.

In a years time I’ve learned more about my imperfection than I’ve ever really wanted to.

Because in my mind, according to my reputation I was pretty darn perfect.

And i forgot to focus on the real me, the imperfect me in need of grace.

And that I am loved for me and redeemed, completely redeemed and transformed under grace.

In a years time, I’ve grown friendships. 

Old ones and completely new ones.

And in a years time, I’ve just learned a lot.

And this concept of a year -- a whole year -- passing is blowing my mind. 

But today as I’m writing this, I feel completely free.

Free in redemption and free to be who I was made to be.

And I can physically feel it, a love that is beyond this world.

And hope that is beyond anything that we can see.

And freedom.

And yes, I will mess up about 234384729384723 more times.

Maybe even more than that.

But its these things I’m learning as I grow that are beautiful.

That remind me there is so much more to this life.

And with that, it helps the hard things seem less hard.... when its from the perspective of this life being temporary.

When its from the perspective of living in this world as citizens of an entire different Kingdom. 

A year ago, I was far from perfect.

And today, I still am... perhaps even farther.

But it’s exciting, when we look at things from the perspective of being able to learn from every little thing in our past, to look back on this year.

And as easter is approaching, I encourage you to examine your past year.

Because everything that has happened between then and now, He died and rose for. 

Yes, He died for us.

For you.

For me.

To carry us on through this life as citizens of His own.

So this easter. I’m trying to focus on what it all means. And how this little life of mine can do something of significance for the truths of easter.

For the truths that should affect our daily lives and therefore, affect the lives of those around us (even though so often i don’t allow it to affect mine.)

“It’s hard to imagine that Jesus would endure the agony of the Cross just to keep us in line. Jesus began a revolution to secure our freedom. The new covenant that He established puts its trust not in the law, but in the transforming power of God’s Spirit living within us. The revolution of the human heart would fuel the life and vitality of this movement. We would delight in God, and He would give us the desires of our hearts. With our hearts burning for God, we would move forward with the freedom to pursue the passions burning within us. Because Jesus did not suffer and die so that we could build for ourselves havens, but so that we might expand the Kingdom of His love. Because invisible kingdoms are at war for the hearts and lives of every human being who walks on the face of this earth.”

-Erwin Raphael McManus

Today, be challenged.

Be forgiven.

Be hopeful.

Be passionate.

Be driven.

Be reminded of what matters,

that life doesn’t go on forever (not life on this earth anyways).

Be loved.

And therefore, love.

Look at what is in front of you, and be grateful for it.

For it all.

The good and the bad.

Today,

forgive.

Soak in life.

And examine where you are at and where this past year has taken you.

And be.free.

When He said “It is finished” on the cross,

well, He meant it.

He covered it all.

And all to Him we owe.

Much love :)