December 22, 1992. I was born.
A fat dark headed dark eyed baby!
Mischievous and stubborn since day one...
The toddler years......
Filled with
wonder.
LOTS of imagination and imaginary friends.
Lots of baby dolls.
And lots of....
getting in trouble. Well, not really because I had an authority problem.
So i just learned on my own, by choice. I'm thankful for my parents on that one.
Middle School.
Oh the lovely middle school years.
Filled with awkwardness.Confusion. Acne. Fake tans. Failed attempts of searching for "spiritual highs" at all of the youth group trips and other meetings and groups.
Just trying my very hardest to find it all, the meaning of everything. But really, my days were filled with emotional roller coasters searching for truth.
Thankfully, at this point boys were still dumb to me.
Well they all were except the older older ones.
That were completely out of my league. But somewhere in me I believed it would happen.
Kasey Kahne anyone??
Yeah, ha.
Highschool.
The importance of a good reputation began.
And while reputations are good and important to keep up.
It's all just a game when your hiding behind it. Hiding behind the rules that you keep and the comments you make.
Keeping all of the questions to yourself because it may make you look doubtful. Or seem unsure.
And now a days, it is important to seem stable. grounded. and "good".
But behind it all, is just emptiness and a whole hek of a lot of searching.
I believed. Believed and knew that there was more to life! More to life than just rules...
More to life than just a once a day Bible class...
But i couldn't exactly find it.
So I kept working too.
Hmm...my fault exactly. Trying to work for it.
But hey along with all of this working came a good reputation.
But now i see and know just how talk is cheap.
SO so very cheap.
But i kept talking.
Kept hiding behind bad relationships.
And even hiding behind "good" things.
But hiding, none the less.
Because it wasn't real. I wasn't really real.
And then I got wrecked.
Slapped down on my face, wrecked.
And it hit me for the first time that Jesus was who He says He is.
That there IS more to life, and that in fact, makes life very very beautiful.
My heart begin to beat not to the beat of society but to the very beat that it was created to beat for.
To my own tune, created so very perfectly and unique.
Hmmm.....
I found out something crazy.
That i was made to be myself.
And that myself wasn't perfect.
But that somehow, that was ok.
Because that's where grace came in. Came in and flooded my heart and life.
And stopped making it about my attempts to be a good girl.
That GRACE is everything about what was done for me. And nothing about what I have done.
And when we approach it that way, well....it changes EVERYTHING.
It changes my days. My every moments, actually.
And it scares me sometimes.
Because my heart wants so greatly to please everyone.
To be careful what I say at all times.
To make sure my reputation is still held in high esteem.
To make sure of this and that and on and on and on.........
And YES i do know that it is a fact to "live at peace with everyone...." (Romans 12:18)
But it is important, I believe, to not get lost behind this people pleasing mindset.
To be real.
To act real under grace.
And to search out TRUTH under this umbrella of grace and love that we get the privilege of waking up under each and every day.
And to not worry so much about how we come off to other people.
But to make it my focus to show people just who I am. I am me. Crazy. Not so grown up. Loud. And yeah, just me.
Me who I was created to be.
To make it my focus to show that Jesus did and continues to do so much for me each and every day. Molding me into what He sees fit.
And shoot, I mess up at this practically every single day.
But I'm seeing that that is the point anyways.
To let a light shine that goes beyond our ability to live life.
And I was shown, and am still learning.
That its okay to doubt.
It's ok to not always be "sure."
It's okay to say sometimes "shoot. what in the world is going on here?!"
Because a walk with God, a walk through life, is not always going to be glamorous and blissful.
It's not always going to be "perfect"
and it was about time that i stopped trying to act like...perfect.
Because I saw that this false sense or portrayal of "perfection" was selfishness, disguised in the most humblest of disguises.
It's ok to scream sometimes.
And sometimes, I have even said a few words that aren't so nice.
And i have hurt people.
And not thought through things all of the time.
Its taken me a long time to accept that i mess up. I still have trouble with it.
But now Im seeing that messiness is beauty.
Because its the messy He came to die for anyways.
And under Him, we become beautiful and forgiven, despite our messiness.
And I see now and i believe it is okay to dance. and dance HARD.
And to sing loud, even if it doesn't sound good, and even if it does.
Because when it comes down to it, we are all in this race together.
We are all battling the battle between good and evil every day.
And we will all continue to fall.
And get back up.
And learn more and more what forgiveness looks like.
And what it looks like to give forgiveness because we have been FREELY given oh so much.
And we are a lot more alike than we like to say or realize even.
So here I am, sitting at Barnes and Nobles on this rainy day.
After 19 years of living.
And i'm thankful.
Thankful for the love that I have been blessed with so abundantly in my life.
Thankful for grace.
And thankful for people.
People of all different kinds.
And still learning. a lot.
And now at 19 years old, i'm a month away from going back to Africa to work adoptions for some very very special kiddos!
NOT because I am super spiritual.
And not because I am better than anyone else.
And NOT because of my own ability, at all.
NOT because I am on a pedistool.
please please please, I beg you.
If you are putting this Africa thing on a pedistool you are making a vital mistake, I will let you down, I guarantee you that.
Cute pictures with some REALLY cute kids and some REALLY stunning African people doesn't make me any greater.
Ha, at all.
I'm just me.
Following the path that was so beautifully put in front of me for now.
Africa, Athens, its all just different places in the world.
But just for now, my two places of Africa and Athens get to mix.
Much love :)
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