Hello, America.

September 18th was the last day that I posted on here. Now, that was a little over a month ago.

Every time that I went to write something, the words wouldn't come.

The fear of saying too much came about and the fear of the thoughts that actually might come out caught me in a state of just not writing much, at all.

Because you see, it's good for me to write when I can be encouraging to others.

When I can be real about everything going on in life and fill it with amazing pictures.

But during the last weeks of my trip, there weren't that many pictures to put with the thoughts and emotions whirling about in my life.

And on October 4th, I stepped out of a plane and said hello to America - hello to the place where everything is comfortable and nice.

A place where I knew i could get some much needed rest and relaxation. 

But still, the words wouldn't come. 

The fear of emotions - of feeling too much - kept catching me in my tracks.

And the whirlwind of culture shock mixed with a lovely dose of jet lag began.

And now here I am, catching up on the past month that has gone by. 

Trying to find the words, but knowing that each word I choose will fall short.

Trying to find the right pictures, but knowing that they can't ever accurately portray how deeply my heart misses and is burdened for Uganda and for the kids that I have grown to know as my own.

Knowing that you can't smell the burning trash, hear the always incredible laughter of the kids, and the exhaustion of days but also the fullness of days in my pictures....

And knowing that you can't fully feel the emotions that the past year has brought me, understand the attachment that I will now forever have on the other side of the world, and understand the sorrow of loosing children but of gaining more children all at the same time.

While I know that those things can't be fully captured in a post, I will do my best and hope that you can share along in this experience with me.

Because what is life, if not shared with many?

August 1st 2011.

I arrived to Uganda not having a CLUE what to expect. Couldn't find my driver at the airport. Didn't know how to talk to anyone. Everything was different. I was by myself. And about to spend 4 months with people I had never even met.

But very quickly, everyone became my very closest friends. Friendships that will differ from any other that I have for the rest of my life.

September 2011. 

Two little girls at Ekisa got really sick.

And I said goodbye to two little girls that I had spent two months with.

They fought and fought and we did all that we could to care for them and their needs, but it ended up being their chosen time to go home to Heaven. And it was all in His plan.

Still, death happened right in front of me for the very first time. 

October 2011.

A calm month.

Filled with lots of costume parties and market runs.

Uganda seriously began to capture my heart.

I got a job offer to come back as the adoption coordinator.

I agreed to come back after going home to raise support. 

November 2011.

I came home to spend the holidays with my family.

And when the money was raised, I was ready to head back to Uganda.

February 2012.

I pack and board up a plane to Uganda!

I had a one year commitment under my belt with a trip home during the summer.

Adoption coordinator at 19 years old - slightly intimidating but very very exciting.

March 2012. 

Meetings happened.

Children happened.

Life in Africa was continuing. 

I had my own house with a wonderful room mate.

And I was loving every second of it.

April 2012. 

Things start to get messy and we are realizing that new directions need to be pursued with adoptions.

Wonderful people come into our life to accomplish those things that we now knew needed to happen.

So my "job" direction changed.

And crazy live in Africa continued.

May 2012.

I board a plane to surprise my whole family with an early arrival home!!

I spent the summer here at home not sure of what the fall was looking like for me yet.

And them Emily called. And told me that I should come in August.

So i boarded up a plane in August and spent six weeks in Uganda. 

Little Sam who we spent quite a lot of time with in the hospital. 

Just one of the amazing faces of Ekisa

Oh how i miss this little guy.

he was quite the character. The best behaved kid you ever met.

And the most hilarious.

And I just got home just a few weeks ago on October 4th.

And now 9 out of the past 14 months of my life have either been spent in Uganda or spent in America  planning my return trip there.

And here I am now at the end of those 14 months now adjusting to what it feels like to be settled in one place for atleast 6 months. 

And settling - even if it be for around 6-8 months- seems so foreign and confusing to me still.

But I do want to say thank you.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and supported me throughout this whole journey I have had the privilege of taking. 

And the journey doesn't stop here. In fact, each change in life is an adventure of its own.

So cheers to the journey to come and the journeys that come for the rest of my life here on earth. 

Everything has been exhausting yet exhilarating all at the same time. And everyone's prayers and love were huge parts of how I made it through some days that seemed never ending.

And your prayers and love were a huge part of the every day laughter and joy that took place in Uganda.

My life has been forever changed by the people of this beautiful country.

My best friendships have been made by this beautiful country that will last me a lifetime.

And i now forever have a second home away from home - even if it is on the other side of the world.

Sometimes, waves of sadness come over me from the trauma that has happened with the unexpected loss of precious children that I loved as my own. But every time the sadness hits, the glorious reality hits me also. 

The reality that I have been graced with each and every one of those kids in my life. Kids that have changed me forever. Kids that have made me a better person and have given me a bigger glimpse of God than I ever thought possible.

I know that each one of them is deemed as a disabled child, but I believe that God created them each especially gifted. Gifted in a way that I have never seen before. 

This little bundle of kids handpicked to be in this little compound in Uganda to change my life. Forever.

And I hope and pray that they have all changed yours too. 

Many of you are asking when I am going back, and the answer to that is I don't have any definite plans right now. 

But i do know that when money permits it will always be the first place I go for a vacation or a get away.

But as I've learned over the past year, God has a way of changing our plans that we think are so right at the moment.

So I'm open and available for whatever he has for me next.

But Im doing my best, living fully and intentionally right where I am at.

So i encourage you to do the same - to see life as a journey. A journey full of whimsy and hope.

Because no matter how despairing any day gets, there is always hope and the whimsical truth of a Savior that loves us and who is COMING BACK to make all things right again.

So may we all hope even when the darkness creeps in.

When gloominess is a reality, may we lift our face towards the bright skies.

May we notice each and every bird that sings their perfectly melodic songs.

May we take hold of each moment we get with the people that we love.

And may we have moments with new people who never have known true love before.

Because gifts are given to be given away. always. 

May we never cling so tightly to the things of this world.

And may we be simple.

Live simply and you WILL receive joy. Joy that overflows through something bigger than temporary pleasures.

Learn from children and grab ahold of their faith -- for those are the ones we are told to learn from.

Dance.

Sing.

Cry.

Hug.

and hold.

Hold on to everything that life gives you - but hold onto it with an open hand, realizing that it wasn't yours to begin with.

Choose to see beauty.

And love to live.

Because darkness passes away each and every morning, ever so faithfully, with a mesmerizing sunrise.

Truth is out there all around us, in the sunrises and all, just waiting to be learned from.

So take note. breathe. and live.

That is what I'm learning now.

So i hope that you share in this.

More updates to come on this journey of mine...............

And a little perspective on how crazy fast a year goes...

Me and Zeke in October of 2011

Me and Zeke in October of 2012!

This is me and Baby Grace. The one on the left is on the day he was born and the one on the right is on his first birthday

And with this I say,

Much Love :) 

It’s funny to me how incredibly perfect God’s timing is.

I all to often forget about that truth, but in these past weeks I’ve been heavily reminded.

I was supposed to come in the middle of September to Uganda.

But then, one day Emily just texted me that I should come in August.

So I did.

And I was able to help everyone when this little guy very suddenly passed away.

And then I so desired to go on safaris and explore this country.

But then this little guy fell real sick.

And had to stay in the hospital.

And God knew all along that Ekisa needed an extra person around to help with hospital stays, medicine, and encouragement.

So once again, the timing in it all was perfect.

And now Zuenna is in the hospital.

And I’m a little sick myself.

But just looking back at it all, I’m overwhelmed with the reality that I’m part of God’s perfect plan.

And if we open our eyes we will see that we all are.

And that truth will enable us to carry on in life, I do believe.

So i just want to encourage you to look at each moment given to you as a moment perfectly planned out before the beginning of time.

There’s a plan in everything - even if we don’t see it at the moment.

He knows.

My oh my does He know.

much love :)

May we never forget.

May we never forget that there are absolutely no ordinary people in the world.

May we never forget that each soul is created for an eternal existence beyond this world.

May we never forget that there are absolutely no mere coincidences in the world - 

that each moment has meaning and purpose if we just open our eyes for a glimpse of what is truly before us.

May we never forget that love isn’t a word, its a lifestyle.

And that hope isn’t simply a thought, but its what we are invited to fully submerse ourselves into and swim around in -- we are invited to live IN hope. 

And with that, may we never forget that to “live” isn’t something we can do twice.

We are given one shot at our pass through on earth.

So may we never forget that it is never to late to start living. really living. 

For in truth, we are supposed to begin living each and every new day we are granted.

Each morning, full of grace to start anew.

And may we never forget that life isn’t ever truly full until we let go of living for ourselves.

For its when we take ourselves out of the center of our story that our eyes are given room to see.

And may we never forget that “to see” is a mystical act much deeper than the physical beings our eyes are beholding.

To see-- to truly see-- is an act of the soul.

And from the core of our soul, may we never forget to see that life truly is full of mystery.

Full of wonder.

Full of life.

And so very full of adventure,

for each and every one of us.

So dear God,  please help us to never forget that there are no ordinary people in this world. So that our eyes may be opened to the wonder that You so marvelously display.

Day by day.

Amen.

The Rhythm of Life

All of life is a song.

The rhythm of our breathing, even, is a melody in itself.

Steadily going in and out, ringing on a scale so beyond ourselves.

The rhythm -- perfect.

The rhythm -- unbeatable, and so very unique to every single soul granted life.

Breathing.

Each sound, each glorious sound, is a note bringing us back to life --

each. time. it. plays.

Each time it silently echos in and out is a reminder of miracles.

The miracle of our Sustainer, granting this each and every note of life -- of glorious, remarkable life.

And maybe, just maybe.... we would be overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude and beauty of life if we remembered.

If we remembered that this melody of life came from THE Life itself. 

Breathed into the nostrils of man at the very beginning of creation. 

Breathed from the very breathe of God -- the rhythm of life so powerfully existent before time itself.

Infinite.

For we are living out the music of the infinite...each.time. we. breathe.

May our gratitude be extravagant.

May our focus be outside of this world.

May our hearts be full and our lives be wild.

For we are living instruments, breathing the music of the infinite.

Play on, music. 

Play on.

Play on.

Home is wherever we are if there's love there, too.

Sam. 

A 7 year old little guy.

Who came to us in May with his little brother, Elijah.

Sam.

A 7 year old little guy who’s past is, at the moment, beholding a lot of unknown and unanswered questions for us.

Sam.

A 7 year old little guy who came into an unfamiliar home with a lot of unfamiliar kids -- his only familiar face being his little brother who came to this crazy house with him.

Sam.

Well, Sam just began as most kids do in their natural resilience and ran around the yard and played with the other kids a little bit.

Slowly warming up to his new surroundings.

I wonder all too often what this must feel like.

You see, for me as a child I sometimes felt a bit awkward jumping into new scenes at school or other social settings, but I always knew that I had home to go to afterwards.

I always had home.

And here here was, another child that didn’t have a home to look forward to after being introduced to a strange place.

This strange place for now, would be his home.

And so he did what he knew.

He adjusted.

Quiet, he was. 

But he was adjusting, nonetheless.

And my oh my was he cute.

Day by day, he continued to grow and to love.

And he found a new best friend.

Walter.

This is one thing I love about Ekisa.

Although, they do not desire for ANY child to stay an any sort of institution or orphanage long term, they do the best they can.

They turn this place into a family.

Into one big house of dear friends.

And Sam found his buddy. And Walter found his buddy.

And a little innocent 7 year old boyish friendship was developed.

When Sam was admitted into the hospital last week, Walter immediately kept asking where Sam was. 

He was missing him and making sure that he was coming back.

When I went with Erika to stay with Sam at the hospital for a couple of days, Walter sent us with some toy trucks to give Sam to play with.

I wish you could have seen the look on this little boys face when we gave him the trucks.

And the fact that Walter gave them to him.... his face literally bursted with joy.

And the trucks haven’t left his side on that hospital bed yet.

The boys had a skype date at the hospital.

And they mostly just waved and shared long stares.

I guess that’s what you can expect for two 7 year old boys to do on skype.

Stare, and show off their toy trucks to each other.

But this little skype date.. you see, it made both of the boys gleam.

Because they know now what its like to have a best friend.

And they know what its like to love.

Two little boys brought to Ekisa by pretty horrendous circumstances.

But both were brought here at two separate times for a purpose.

They would meet, and slowly without even knowing it begin to heal each other’s hearts.

Because friendships are healing.

We were created for relationships.

And they are getting a glimpse of that now.

So I could sit here and tell you all of the insane things I’ve been learning in the past couple of days.

And I could type out every little thing that’s been happening lately to remind myself that we can only rest in grace alone apart from any circumstance on earth.

I could sit here and tell you all of the incredible things going on here.

And I will.

But in this post I just want to take a moment to praise this place that I’ve gotten to spend the past year with.

Ekisa.

It’s a home that turns strangers into friends.

A place that literally turns sadness into dancing...lots of dancing.

It’s a place of healing and a place of hope for most of these kids who never knew hope.

It’s a place of love, a love of such magnitude that it can overwhelm me sometimes.

It’s a place where kids are protected and loved when all they were exposed to prior in life was abuse.

It’s a place that restores starving bodies, but also by the sheer Grace of God restores starving souls.

It’s a place that’s not perfect.

And it’s not even claiming to be.

Running a house for 23 special needs kids is not so easy.

Not so easy, at all.

But its a place that does the best they can day by day.

And never goes a day without smiles. And laughter. And dancing.

They are doing the best they can one day at a time.

To use this home they have to shine a greater good to the world -- and the community here in Uganda.

To shine THE only good.

So I just wanted to put it into perspective a bit for you.

Sam now has a best friend thanks to God’s perfect placement of him in this home.

And Walter now has his best bud, too.

And even though Sam is going through immense unfathomable pain in the hospital, he know that he has a whole army of people fighting for him.

He knows that even when the shots hurt him, he has someone now beside him holding his hand.

He knows that when he’s hungry, he has people around him ready to help him eat.

He knows that even when he has to go to the bathroom and can’t walk, everyone around him with help him do even that.

Sam knows love.

And by that, he is showing all of us way more about love than we can ever show to him.

His love is raw.

real.

and pretty amazing.

I don’t typically like to ask for money, but I do know that we need your help.

Help with medical bills.

And other expenses as well.

So if you would like to donate, please email me at jakins92@gmail.com

or just go to www.ekisa.org/donate and the instructions are there you can follow for a donation.

It’s not about money.

It’s not about numbers.

It’s just about what we are all representing, giving, and showing in this life.

Whether it be by giving a check or by giving a toy truck as a gift, it’s all the same since its about the heart behind it all.

And its just about lives -- being lived under the surrender of the author that’s telling everyones story, afterall.

So thank you thank you thank you for just prayers.

They are needed and they are so so heard.

much love :)

A good visitor.

“We are all just visitors here on earth. And JoJo was a good visitor,” she said in her heavy Ugandan accent as she stood during our last minute morning memorial service on the porch.

We were all there, crammed on the front porch...kids, staff, and friends....celebrating the life that had been taken away early that morning under the cool breeze.

“We are all visitors.” 

She sighs. clasps her hands together. and looks down.

“And JoJo was a good visitor.”

She sits as we soak in silence the words she just spoke. Words smothered in grace that came at just the perfect time, perfectly in tune with the heart of God.

We sang one last song as we stared at the tiny coffin before us. Still in shock of the morning events.

I was on the couch all night with another little man who’s been real sick. He was asleep and I was just drifting off into sleep at around 5 am.

And then I awoke to one of the night workers.

“Auntie. Auntie.”

They seemed calm but urgent at the same time. 

All three of the night workers, standing over me all in a blurr due to my sleepy eyes.

I sit up.

“Yes? What is it?”

“JoJo, he has died.”

Sure that they were just confused on their english, I asked them to repeat what they had just said. I had been in that bedroom just two hours before and JoJo was there completely fine and healthy and cute as ever.

He was totally okay. and alive.

They repeated, “JoJo, he has passed away. I am sorry.”

I stumbled into the bedroom he was in and the breath was taken away from me. My legs fell weak and were shaking.

To see a child and wait for him to breathe, and then he doesn’t.

The stillness quite surreal.

Not knowing what to do, and unable to make out any words, I ran to get Emily. 

And it went from there.

A life, taken away from the earth just like that.

With no sickness or warning sign.

She said there was no struggle, that it was almost as if the breath was literally peacefully taken from him. 

We sat in the room where he was prepared, and glanced over his still body in a coffin that seemed to small to be real.

We sat there while worship music literally blasted from our speakers.

There we were, those who have all loved JoJo as their own, singing and grieving over the loss of this guy.

Not sure of how to handle the shock, we just sang.

The sadness of it was looming over the house all morning.

And then she spoke, 

“JoJo was a good visitor.”

The words kept ringing in my head.

It’s almost as if the breeze was singing these words into my ears.

Into my soul.

“We are all visitors. And JoJo was a good visitor.”

And that just made perfect sense.

We can mourn death.

But we can’t rest in the sadness if we truly believe that we are but visitors here.

But how often do i hold SO tightly to the things on earth?

How often to i claim that I am in control?

Way too often.

And it was a blow to the face.

A humbling one, that I have no control over people’s days they are given to live.

JoJo could have been me.

Alive two hours before, and just like that, gone.

At first, it began to terrify me how fleeting it all is.

And to be honest, it still does.

But it challenged me.

How am i living my days and moments?

How am i loving others?

How am i choosing to live?

You see, JoJo chose to live simply.

He was given to this earth to remind us all of the beauty of living simply.

To simply love.

To simply live.

He never needed much, or asked for much except for a good hug.

He never really complained.

He always embraced who he was.

And he was gifted with his disabilities, I believe, to remind me of the simple.

So i encourage you to learn from this.

To not just be saddened, but encouraged and challenged.

To love.

To LIVE.

and to never forget the simple.

Days are fleeting.

And life is short.

So, what are you living for? Really....

What am I living for?

Because our time too, will soon be out.

And i too, desire for it to be said that I was a good visitor.

And i think that deep down, we all do.

“We are all just visitors here on earth.

And JoJo was a good visitor.”

Perfectly. Said.

Props to you little man for the time you spent here.

And thanks to God, for gifting the earth with Him.

And for giving me the past year to spend with him.

And thanks to God for his perfect timing. For his master plan, even amidst the ugliness of the world.

There is always thankfulness to be had.

And there is always a plan. Always.

So lets go for it.

One day at a time, be a good visitor.

http://vimeo.com/32978797 (copy this link into a browser to see a pretty amazing video made about JoJo about a year ago...)

much love :)